Sunday, June 3, 2012

You can't take that away from me

Since love is my favorite subject, naturally I've always been curious about marriage as an institution. Half of my friends are or have been married which enabled me to gather data for my research and analysis. I probably already formed my opinion about marriage long time ago; hence the reason I turned down a marriage proposal a couple times. But it wasn't till last night that I finally had a clear vision on where I am standing.

So last night, I had dinner with two girl-friends, one of them is recently married with a small baby. We had fun and all, and as night was ending I asked my married girl-friend a question I ask all my married friends: Are you happy to be married? Is it all you envisioned it to be?

Honestly, every time I ask this question I get "almost" the same reaction. Notice not the same wording, but the same reaction: deep heavy breath, long pause and a look full of doom. Then they start talking and the following 3 things never fail to shock me.

1) First, I'm stoned when they tell me that sex kind of goes away.... whatever that means... and no one is talking about pleasuring themselves or being sexually starved. It's like an ordinary thing.
2) Then I am speechless when they tell me that it's not about them anymore, but kids. Meaning, they don't enjoy each other anymore but take care of kids. By the way, my research has shown that for some unknown reason marriage and kids almost always go together. Simple love and company of one partner are just not enough, it needs to be enriched with diapers. I guess it's that icing on the wedding cake..
3) And finally I am completely floored when they tell me that they don't get to do what they loved to do before marriage, moreover, they nag their partner for "wasting" time on things they love to do and not on them/family.

Once I get over my triple shock, I overflow them with the following questions (not intentionally but out of curiosity and to get data for my research): Are you serious? Why did it change because of marriage? Isn't it supposed to improve your life? Why did sex go away? Isn't marriage supposed to be a free pass to unlimited sex? Isn't it fun that you don't have to date around and just focus all your fun sexual energy on the man you love? Why don't you look and try to look sexy anymore? It's still you and it's still him. Why give up yourself and not let him be? Why don't you let him do his thing (playing games, sports) and do your thing in the meantime? and so on and so on....  I can't stop.

They blankly stare at me as if I am simply clueless and have no freaking idea what I am talking about. And give me some BS answer that probably doesn't even make sense to them. Every time, every married friend. Even the last one, who is the most progressive of all, and still does girls' nights out, and still has a scent of an expensive perfume and not a baby powder...

Then I spent more time thinking about where I am standing on marriage based on research and observation. and I had it!! It was like a light bulb really, I even had to call it a night at 10pm and excuse myself home. My inner voice was too loud to ignore, it needed to be heard. It had a clear answer for me: I don't want this. I don't want to be where my married friends are.

I don't want to give up my passions and dreams and not let my partner enjoy his. I don't want to be constantly controlled and I don't want to control him. I don't want to nag him and be manipulative. I refuse to give up myself and make him do the same. I don't want to stop taking care of myself and not look sexy. I don't want to move to suburbs and have babies, and that being all there is to it. After all the "don't's" I moved on to the "do's".
And I clearly saw what I wanted when I am married. It's very simple. I want to enjoy it. I want to have fun. I want us to enjoy it. Travel around the world, do our favorite things together and apart, inspire each other, motivate each other, make each other laugh, make love whenever wherever... Take care of myself, wear La Perla, drink wine, stay at beautiful hotels, go to the beach, go out, etc.. Nothing's wrong with it. The bible says: A wife should enjoy her husband. God himself intended for marriage to be joy. Nothing new here.

As for the little angels with diapers, I had to accept the fact that I might stay away, being well aware that they could stand in the way of enjoying the life. or as I told my friends last night Only if it happens out of big love and by accident. Selfish? Maybe. But isn't nagging and controlling your partner even more selfish, and it's usually because of kids. So if I have to be selfish I'd rather go for the former, and at least have a joyful and happy life with my partner.

Then I felt a great sense of relief and it made a whole lot of sense to me why I hadn't jumped into "Till death do us part" yet. I simply didn't know what I really wanted and was smart enough to wait till I did (unlike most people). And it's as simple as it gets: Enjoy it, whatever it does or doesn't take.

P.S. Still wishing good luck to all married with kids couples out there. and please don't forget about sex.


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  2. "As you think - so you become.
    Hope releases joy.
    Knowing who you are leads you to peace, and peace produces joy in your life"

    'Remember always stand for what you believe in - even if everyone is against yourself & be an individual it'll take you far', said Amber Rose

    Que sera - sera.

    1. True!! couldn't have said better. I am glad I waited long enough to finally completely understand what my heart, mind and soul want. Society can f* itself :) it's my life to live and the only one whose approval should matter is God's.
      Love your input as always. You are my wisdom stone

    2. Society can f* itself :) ADORABLE as Always!!!! I shall second that!!!

      We are the society; our sisters are to the core submissive more than in sex only, and they are the bad sheep, not us. People are afraid of unknown, because knowledge is painful (Dr Carl Jung) thus they choose the well-trodden way, which, btw, dimwitted and easily manipulated. In this case, yes, we lead our way - the right way by our conscience.

    3. we are indeed pioneers! God bless, we'll stand firm and happy, and lead the lives that will set an example for many.

  3. Sasha, if there's one struggle in marriage that could be put to the top of the list, you've zoomed in on it. I'm convinced that most people don't know how to manage it, the most precious thing of all--time.

    I have seen some households where the wife has kids and opts to stay home to take care of them. Some keep going and never return to work, while others go back to work once the kids start school. Others go back to work after maternity leave and hire a nanny. Both parents tend to have intense, stressful jobs. When they get home, they don't have the emotional strength to deal with all the needs of their children.

    Whether you have the luxury of affording outside help or have to manage them all on your own, children are a lot of work. They are extremely time consuming. There is a lot of stress involved, because for the most part the local extended family doesn't exist any longer. There aren't parents or grandparents right there to step in and help out, not just with caring for the children when you need to get away but also in providing their sound advice and life proven wisdom. And when the problems kids have can't be handled in the best way, the issues linger, rising up again and again. When parents are faced with juggling long work hours and trying to give whatever free time they have to their kids, what happens to the relationship that started things out?

    I really feel like the intensity of modern life today makes it very difficult to raise kids that are psychologically healthy. Especially now with the invasive effects of the Internet. Kids spend so much time on social networks and video games, it's rather alarming. And it is changing their behavior. They are more problematic to manage. And then there's the complexity of relationships to begin with. Living together is not something that just "easily happens". It takes work. Each person has their own needs and sometimes they conflict, requiring compromise. I think with open and honest communication, it can work. But when you've got kids taking away most of the quality time you'd otherwise have together, that's another major stress.

    So the cocktail of marriage plus kids... yeah, it's a loaded one. I think very few people get it right and are happy. Part of it is circumstantial. Those who seem to be the happiest are those who are very financially comfortable without being tethered to an extremely time consuming and stressful job. But for the most part, the husband and wife have to be the "right team" together. They have to go into it having the same expectations.

    Having children is a major life changing event. Not everybody is cut out for it. Some people are better off just being a great uncle or aunt, rather than trying to have children of their own. Part of it also comes down to the person. We each have our own life paths. Some of us encounter more struggles than others, taking more time to "finding ourselves". If you can make that happen and find your lifetime romantic partner early on, then you can try making the most of couple's life for a decade before making the plunge into marriage plus kids. Or... have kids early, like two within 3 years, and getting that out of the way. Be committed to raising them and getting them out of the house before you hit 50. And then? The world's your oyster. By then, you've built up a nice financial platform for retirement and for play. See the world and have a ball... if you're still in love by then.

    1. Your comment has reinforced my decision even more. I want to enjoy my life while I am young and beautiful and not when I'm in my 50's or even 40's. I guess love and having a beautiful and happy relationship with my partner are more important to me. I love kids, I really do, and that's why I know that if I have any they will def stand in the way to enjoy my life with a man I love, and even my love for myself. So I choose to go an unconventional way and be happy and loved!!

  4. A very thoughtful post. The kind of marriages you're describing happen when people lose themselves and want to change each other, instead of being themselves. That's probably why so many married people seem unhappy. I think that if each partner maintains his/her independence and interests, the relationship can only get better. It's when those qualities are lacking that sex, hobbies, and interests fall to the wayside and the focus becomes totally kid-centric.

    1. Helena, there are very few happy marriages. and it's sad that it's got this "old balls and chains" stereotype. Somehow I feel it predisposes married people to make marriage unbearable to fit the standard. And marriage could the most amazing thing in this world if we only embraced its benefits and were reasonable with our expectations.